


Clarity

by aptasi



Category: Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Genre: Angst, Cuddling, Emotions, F/M, Flirting, Humor, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Innuendo, Kissing, Marriage, Missing Scene, Motivations, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sappy, Sexuality, Teasing, Trauma, awkward conversation, trauma reaction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28228122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aptasi/pseuds/aptasi
Summary: Thom wanted to be overjoyed, but something about Moiraine's proposal wouldn't sit right.
Relationships: Moiraine Damodred/Thom Merrilin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 12





	Clarity

**Author's Note:**

> There's some (relatively minor by my standards but still) trauma stuff in here. Mind the tags.

Thom looked down at Moiraine, where she was lying on the ground, hidden in his cloak. She seemed so pale, so exhausted. It was unfair to ask this now, but Mat would only be gone getting more wood for a few moments, and Thom had to know. 

Moiraine made a slight groaning sound as he sat down next to her. Thom wanted to hold her and comfort her. What a fool he felt for it, but he did. 

“My dear" he said. "I need to talk to you. Are you... well enough to talk?"

"I am well enough to talk to you." Moiraine held out her hand to him, though her smile faded when he didn't immediately take it. 

"Your proposal." He muttered hoarsely. 

Moiraine's face visibly fell. "It offended you. I am sorry, Thom."

He sat down next to his new betrothed. She looked like a butterfly chrysalis, wrapped in a cloak too big for her. "What was your play?"

Those gorgeous brown eyes blinked. "My play?"

"When you offered to throw away the angreal you were so certain. I don't know a lot about the power, woman, but I know that bangle is the only chance you have left at anything you'd call a normal life."

Moiraine flinched. One of her hands gripped onto his ankle and then let go, as if she weren’t sure she had any right to pin him in place. 

"I have only ever seen that kind of commitment from you" Thom said. "When the stake involves the last battle." Which, to be fair, he had to admit it usually seemed to with her. 

"So you think I must have some political reason.” Moiraine said quietly, her eyes on the ground away from him. 

Thom swallowed. His throat hurt. "Yes. And that's a problem because I've actually gone and fallen in love with you."

Her face looked either impassive or shocked, still turned in a stunning profile. "You have?”

"Whatever it is you want from me." Thom said, feeling desperate and foolish all at once. "I'll give it. You don't need to marry me for it. Just... I need to know if I'm making a fool out of myself Moiraine."

"You have never been a fool." She observed dully.

He was rambling now, begging like that ever did any good with an Aes Sedai. "If you think you could learn to love me or at least tolerate me loving you, I could..."

"Thom! " Moiraine exclaimed. 

He stopped talking. 

The Aes Sedai braced her forearms underneath her like she was trying to drag herself up. Her limbs were grimy. "Let me explain. I knew of a foretelling that we would marry."

"Oh." His heart clenched. Well, that explained it all, then. Moiraine Damodred, fulfiller of prophecy regardless of personal feelings...

"But nothing that explains it." Moiraine's face contorted with emotion. It looked unnatural on her, "I do know that it seems to be necessary, somehow. At the moment, my best guess as to why is that," she shivered, "I may not... cope all that well without you."

For the first time in the conversation, but not the first time that night Thom was reminded of how cast down Moiraine looked. Splayed out as she was, she reminded him of a heavenly creature, fallen from a great height. Or a majestic bird of prey that had its wings stepped on for spite. "Cope with what happened or with returning to the world?" He said gruffly. 

"Both. I wanted to keep you close to me." 

"Why? What happens if I don't stay close to you."

Moiraine shook her head and pushed herself up with effort until she was almost seated. "That should not be a factor in your decision. I will not put the guilt of that on you. The world does not need me to, and I will not do it anymore. I refuse."

Light she sounded so determined. "I'll take that to mean you don't survive it." Thom muttered miserably "Or wish you hadn't."

She did not manage to contradict him. "What happens to me if I cannot manage alone is my problem. " she added darkly. "Not yours.”

"Unless I make taking care of you my problem." Thom said. "Which I do believe I chose to do in my own right mind tonight." He touched her hair. They needed to find her a comb. What had stayed so perfect in that other world immediately became a mess in this one. 

Moiraine smiled. "You did."

Thom's heart beat fast. "But you didn't ask me to be your Warder. You proposed marriage first."

Moiraine wrapped her arms around herself and leaned forward so that she was almost bent double. Her forehead grazed the ground. "That is because I also want to..."

"What do you want my dear?" Thom prompted. Gently he pulled Moiraine up until she was leaned back into him, with his arms gripping around her gaunt wrapped ones. 

"Small things. To have your arm around me in public. To ask for the same bed in an inn. To know that if we die they'll put us in the ground together.”

He swallowed.

She didn't cry but her voice had the timbre of tears. "The dragon breaks all bonds and I just needed to make one... for once build something... because I am afraid if I leave it any later I will no longer know how to do it anymore. If I do not prove to myself that I can love now, I might never again believe I have the capability.”

Several heavy breaths of silence hung between them. 

“So it’s not a Daes Dae'mar match." Thom said. "It’s two people rushing into things because the world's breaking, and they're in love.”

“The world technically may not be breaking. I will explain later." Moiraine said, turning in his arms to face him.

He raised his eyebrows 

"This is a love match. Yes."

He smiled and made sure she saw the smile. "Good. You've made me very happy by saying that."

She nodded. 

“I still want to court you proper. Write you songs, bring you flowers, all that sappy romance foolery.”

Moiraine smiled

"But I can do that while bonded and wedded, just as well. 

The Aes Sedai nodded. 

"So the next wise woman we meet then? Like two fool kids in love?" Thom said nervously. 

"As two fools in love." Moiraine echoed.

He leaned in and kissed her. 

It was nice, but the conversation had left her tense. 

Thom ran his finger along Moiraine's jaw "You're safe..." he purred in her ear. 

With an exhale that loosened her entire body, Moiraine unclenched her mouth. Thom gently explored for a few moments until Moiraine started pushing back, matching his beat. 

When they broke for air he had to support her. Her muscles were failing, trembling and shaking like she had no strength left. 

Trying to take his attention from her weakness and not hold her to humiliation Thom mused. “You wouldn't let me do that in Tear." 

Moiraine blushed. "Aes Sedai tradition proscribes one should fast from anything one fears growing to like too much.”

Thom winked. “Well too late now, I suppose. You already like me too much.” 

Moiraine turned her head. "Mat's coming back."

The youth moved through the trees crunching leaves as he went. "Do you two realize you can see into this clearing from 50 span away?" He stopped and stared at them. 

Thom expected Moiraine to act like more of a coy Cairhienin but instead she stared directly at Mat and did not move. Though it was possible she couldn’t.

"Well don't look at me like I've got no bloody manners. Burn me I'm not the one here with Thom's tongue in..."

“Do you take some issue with me kissing my betrothed?” Moiraine demanded. 

Well I… If you two are going to be getting all," he squirmed, "physical."

"Do not worry Mat. I am in no condition to do anything further of that tonight." Moiraine said serenely 

The boy exhaled in clear relief. 

Thom couldn't resist "We'll just lie here and talk about how much we love each other all night won't we darling?" 

"I love you." Moiraine said, cool, calm, and straightforward. "I am in love with you Thom Merillin beyond all sense."

It did not quite fit with the way they were mocking the lad. Too blunt, not silly. But he had never heard anything so wonderful. Symphonies couldn't compare to Moiraine's awkward oath-cleared declaration. 

"And I love you too sweetness." He touched their noses together. 

"Really?" Matt threw up his hands. "That's... This is all too much."

"If I were you Matrim." Moiraine observed wrly. "I would find something else to do."

"I guess I could go patrol again. Once more." He said. "Or twice. Or all bloody night. Burn me!"

Moiraine watched Mat leave with a half smile on her face. "I hope,” she said when the boy was gone, "You are serious with respect to," she struggled over the wording, "giving each other some affirmations.”

She sounded insecure, which was something he wanted to help with but also unsettling in ways he needed to distract himself about.“Sure.” he said. “And I do hope you were serious about that one bed thing once you're feeling better.”

“Oh very.” His betrothed said.” I am not sure I can even fall asleep alone.”

There were a few beats of odd silence. 

Moiraine laughed. "That too, Thom. That too. Scoundrel."

He grinned and snuggled up to her. The wind blew and Moiraine lay warm in his arms. If the world was not all right well as far as Thom was concerned it could just stay this variety of not alright a bit longer.

"I am not letting you call me sweetness, though.That stops."

Apparently there were some privileges even pulling a woman directly out of her worst nightmare did not convey.


End file.
